sykotikrayne's Journal

Differences
Differences.. I suppose that is an apt title for what this post is about.. Differences.. My life.. for the past.. Hmm.. about Eight months have been one change after another. Kimmy moved in with us, after living with her mom, being homeless, and nearly getting shipped back to Chicago.. Maybe I should have let her go then.. Maybe everything wouldn't have happened the way it has.. Though perhaps if She hadn't moved in with us.. Maybe I wouldn't have experienced life.. or some resemblance of it.

I've been far more surprised in one person, than I have with anyone in my life, and that's Kevin. I'm boggled as to why he stayed after the whole.. Orlando catastrophe. I'm boggled as to how he continued to care, even after I had to leave Florida for Georgia. He's the one thing that I love about Florida. He's the only thing that I want to stay in Florida for. I used to beg my dad to move us back to Illinois. I hated Florida. Florida represented pain, anger, Florida represented my depression. I thought I needed the home of my past.. I thought I needed the whole huge change of scenery.. Kevin represents a hope for the Future.

I wonder if I'm worth it.. I wonder if I'm worth him sticking by me. I've always had that feeling of where.. If My real father ditched me, what stops someone else from leaving? So I've pushed and pushed and pushed at other people.. and sure enough.. they've left.. I haven't pushed Kevin.. I guess, because I want us to work. I've never been happy like this. I've never felt as wanted as I do.. I don't suppose he'll ever know what it means to me to hear him say "I just wanted to hear your voice." When he calls. How elated I feel in those few words. How no matter how fucked my day has gone, as soon as I hear his voice, everything bad, doesn't seem to matter anymore.. and I forget what I was angry about.

I spend hours day dreaming about him.. Night after night I dream of him.. I actually -dream- of him. I've never dreampt of anyone before.. and I lay there for a few minutes, trying to decipher if it was dream or reality.

As I reread what I've just written, it seems stalkerish.. or like I'm dependent on him.. But honestly I don't care how it seems to someone else, this is my bit of cyber space, as it were.. maybe I've typed it out wrong, or maybe it can be taken a different way.. or something.. But It's how I feel.. I understand my feelings.. so I suppose it doesn't matter if someone else doesn't 'Get it'.

I do believe everything happens for a reason.. I believe we are meant to meet certain people in our lives that make living, more than just existing on a plain.. And Kevin has done that for me.. He's made my life, more than just an existence.. I'm more than just a daughter, or a sister, or a niece or an Aunt.. Even with just his friendship, he's shown me that My opinion and my thoughts and my feelings -do- matter.. I'm no longer just the youngest of four.. or the 'baby sister' or the youngest niece, or someone's aunt.. But I'm a woman.. I'm -this- woman.

Bah.. Shut up! :: Bops self in the head :: Gods.. I need to stop being so emo.. But I -Had- to get that out.. People have to know where I stand, to know where I'm at in my life, to understand anything else I write. So there you have it.. in a neat little package.. I didn't go into details about what happened at the apartment in orlando, and I don't suppose I ever will.. I don't suppose I'll put -those- events out there for the world to see.. Those events are far more private than anything else about my life. It was indeed, my lowest moment -ever-. That's not to say that all my entries will be all fucking happy.. Cus they won't. My mom will piss me off, and I'll come in here, and bitch about it.. and then I'll be fine, and Mom and I will laugh.. And Jenna will say something slick, like she sometimes does.. And She and I will have words, and then I'll post it here..

Anyways.. I'll end it here.. I'll write more later.. Hopefully this time, I'll remember I have this thing and :: Gasp! :: Post!! Yay Posting!

Muahs,
Sykotik

Current Mood: :: FlexPose-ish ::
Current Music: Sirius9 - The 90's and now channel

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